5 Phrases to Help You Navigate Difficult Conversations

Have you ever faced a difficult conversation and it left you asking the same questions as the channel 4 news team did in Anchorman?  Human interaction can escalate quickly and sometimes it’s hard to understand why. Time with family can be notorious for being trapped in difficult conversations that seem to go nowhere and leave everyone feeling worse about themselves.  People generally don’t want to have bad communication with the people they feel they’re supposed to love the most but it’s easy to get trapped in a vortex of poor communication that drives loved ones further away.  The good news is that there is something that you can do.  You have the ability to be aware of what you’re feeling and control what you say.  It would be nice if you could make it so other people wouldn’t hurt you or make comments that trigger your anger, but that’s outside your control.  We’ve put together 5 simple phrases you can use to help you navigate these difficult conversations.  When you read through each of these, pay attention to which phrase feels like it would be the most helpful for you.  Memorize that phrase, and then try to use it when you’re feeling triggered.It would be our honor to help you figure out how to implement phrases like these or gain other tools to help you foster your mental health.  CLICK HERE  to schedule a free consultation. 

1. What am I feeling right now?

This phrase is not for you to speak out to the other person who may be making you feel in a way you don’t like.  It’s for you to ask yourself so you can take the temperature of your emotions. When you’re not aware of what you’re feeling, it’s hard to be able to regulate the actions you want to take.  Psychologist Robert Plutchik has created a helpful tool called the wheel of emotions.  It has 8 basic emotions that spread out to include a number of different emotions.  See the picture below from https://www.6seconds.org/ and go to https://www.6seconds.org/2020/08/11/plutchik-wheel-emotions/ to learn more.  It might be surprising to you how naming the emotion you are feeling will help you begin to regulate your emotions.  Naming your emotion will help you locate where you are in your emotional world.  Think of it like how a smartphone identifies your location with a GPS satellite. If you don’t know where you’re at, you can never get to where you hope to go.  Once you locate the emotion or emotions you’re feeling you can begin to decide on the choice you will make.  

2. "I feel [negative emotion] because [reason], so I will [choice]." 

This is another phrase to say to yourself, but don’t worry we’ll get to what you can say to others.  We’re starting with two phrases to say to yourself because what you say to yourself matters the most.  When we feel out of control we often don’t make rational choices that take us where we want to go.  There are a lot of circumstances that are outside our control, but there are choices that we can always make.  The renowned Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Victor Frankl reminds us that no matter the difficulty of our circumstances, we always have a choice. Choosing one’s attitude starts with identifying the feelings you have and then exploring the reason they are there. That will give you the ability to make the choice that you hope to make.  The phrase, “I feel [negative emotion] because [reason], so I will [choice],” Comes from Jennie Allen’s book Getting Out of Your Head, She explains how the most important step in moving toward greater levels of mental health is holding close the realization that you have a choice in the future you will nurture.  We can’t choose what people do, say, or believe about us, but we do get to choose how we respond. It’s never easy at first, but over time new positive pathways form from the constant decision to choose positive action. Sometimes that action is simply to hold firm to the positive boundaries. That is what our next two phrases address. 

3. I’m sorry, but I don’t have the capacity to talk about that right now. Let’s talk about it at another time.  

If you feel trapped in a conversation that is taking you to a place where you are feeling manipulated or abused you can stop the conversation and walk away.  Trying to force yourself to stay engaged when that is how you’re feeling will lead you to either fight, freeze, or flight.  Declaring that you have a boundary and that it feels violated at the moment helps you escape from falling deeper into fight, freeze, or flight. Stopping the conversation doesn’t mean you’re just trying to escape. It is choosing to gain clarity so you can reengage with greater understanding and honesty when you’re able.It’s better to take at least 30 minutes away on a walk or other activity that will allow the situation to deescalate. It will then provide a better opportunity to engage the conflict to reach a healthy resolution.  Conflict is not bad, growth can’t happen without it. However, in order for conflict to lead to a healthy outcome both people in the conversation must maintain and respect healthy boundaries.  Occasionally boundaries will be crossed in other ways and it is important to speak clearly and directly to those violated boundaries.  

4. “Please do not tell me what other members of the family are saying about my political or religious beliefs or share details about our disagreements with them.”  

In her book Saving Grace, Kirsten Powers gives this line in her chapter titled Just Say No. When you experience boundaries being crossed it is important to address them head-on and clarify how you were violated.  Kindness and firmness are not mutually exclusive. In order to foster a thriving life, it is important to stand up for healthy boundaries.  You have a right to privacy and if that gets violated it is in the best interest of any relationship to address where and how you feel violated.  When discussing any type of perceived violation it’s important to use language that clarifies how “I feel” instead of “you did [fill in the blank].”Dr. John Johnson explains the difference well in an article when he provides this example from a workplace,

 "Hey, where's that report you were supposed to submit last Friday? You are holding up the whole project!"

How would you feel? What would you say or do?

Now, imagine the same situation, except this time when you run into your coworker she says, "Hey, I am getting backed up and feeling a little stressed because I don't have that report yet."

Explaining how “I feel,” helps take the sting of accusation out of the conversation. It sets the trajectory of the conversation toward an opportunity for reconnection. Every disagreement is a chance to know the other person and what they’re going through in life a little more.  This last phrase is a way to explore your differences.  

 5. It seems like you’re very passionate about this topic. Would you be opposed to hearing a different perspective?  

Thomas Jefferson was right, “I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend.” We live in a polarized society and it is easy to feel that we can’t talk about our differences.  Having to engage with a topic like politics or some other polarizing issue is never easy. The good news is that there is a way to address it that sets up for it being an open and positive conversation.  It may seem counterintuitive but setting the question up in a way that the other person responds with a no actually creates a better environment.  Chris Voss explains this reality in his blog post when he asked, “Would it be ridiculous to find out that getting the other side to say no is actually what you should be gunning for when you sit down at the table?” If a difficult and potentially polarizing conversation appears, genuine curiosity is a must for there to be a chance of keeping it a peaceful conversation. You can’t control anger someone else may feel but you can stay curious about your own emotions and other points of view from other people.  In the end, your curiosity and willingness to engage in conversation that might make you uncomfortable will make you a better person.  Hopefully, these phrases will be helpful for you as you navigate through difficult conversations.  Which phrase did you most resonate with? Go ahead and memorize it. Try it out in a conversation. Then, see how you feel afterward.  What did you learn about yourself? Does this emotional work seem daunting to you?  You’re not alone.  At Platt Professional Counseling we believe that it takes a team of people’s support to foster a thriving future.  We would be honored to help you in any way we could with your mental health.  CLICK HERE to schedule your free consultation and experience that your best is yet to be!